Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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