my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
