I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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