im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
