Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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