Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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