Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize