I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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