Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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