what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
