so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He passed out mid-signature
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
