so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
