Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
