I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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