mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
