I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
wanna go halves on a baby?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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