My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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