In the future we'll all be gay
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
