Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
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We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
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You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
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