I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
