You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
