just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
