Porn is love you can see.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
