I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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