I'm pants shitting drunk right now
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
they're like a gay fantastic four
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
