literally had 100 drinks last night.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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