when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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