Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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