did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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