I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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