Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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