Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
