So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
