Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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