i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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