so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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