Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
