I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
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It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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