I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
