my mouth tastes like poor choices
my phone needs a breathalizer
We need to rekindle our bromance
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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