is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
