I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
