hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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