ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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