Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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