wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
