literally had 100 drinks last night.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
The uberlube is also flammable
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
