My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
