At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
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I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
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no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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