Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Randomize
