I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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