At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
