so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
