Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
