sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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