Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
