They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Please don't give away my fajitas
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
