My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
