if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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